Culpepper's Colour Herbal (It's a strange book)

Hey everyone!

Been a while since I’ve posted but I am here now!

So, I found the book called Culpepper’s Color Herbal. Now when you first flick through this book, not really reading it, this looks like a beautifully illustrated herb book. It has the title of the herb along with the scientific name at the top, then a comment which I assume is from Nicholas Culpepper, the man the book is named after and then information like where the herb is from, uses, etc. then a detailed drawing of the herb next to the information. This seems fairly normal at the moment and your probably thinking “what’s the point, oh gracious Proffessor?”. Ok perhaps you aren’t calling me “Oh Gracious Proffessor” but I reckon you are wondering what my problem is.

It is the comments from Nicholas, dear reader. Nicholas has some interesting points to say on these herbs. Not to mention he has a strange way of talking. It may be because his comments were written during the 17th century but still, it’s hilarious. According to his bio on the back of the book “his books included many of the herbal remedies which he developed and used in his own practice.” Keep this in mind when I tell you of his comments.

HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH PHYSICIANS, LET ME TELL YOU THAT:

ANGELICA

Our physicians . . . blasphemously call Tansies or Heart’s Ease, an herb for the Trinity, because of it’s three colours, and they call a certain ointment, an ointment of the Apostles, because it consists of 12 ingredients. God send them wisdom the rest of their age, for they have their share of ignorance already.

Someday I wish I will be able to insult people this eloquently.

ARSSMART

The Hot Arssmart is also called the Water-Pepper. The Mild Arssmart is called Dead Arssmart, or Peachwort. Our college physicians mistake one for the other in their New Master-piece, whereby they discover their ignorance, their carelessness; and he that hath but half an eye may see their pride without a pair of spectacles.

Just try saying the name of this herb out loud and not laugh just a little.

HE DOESN’T LIKE EXPLAINING THINGS EITHER:

ARRACH

It is so commonly known to every housewife it were a labour lost to describe it.

ASH TREE

This is so well known that time will be misspent in writing a description of it; and therefore, I shall only insist upon the virtues of it.

BARBERRY

The shrub is so well known by every boy and girl that has but attained the age of seven years, that it needs no description.

CARDUS BENEDICTUS

Everyone who can write at all may describe them from his own knowledge.

SO, WE ARE FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE HERB NOW? :

BUGLE

If the virtues of it make you fall in love with it (as they will if you be wise), keep syrup of it to take inwardly and an ointment and plaister of it to use outwardly, always by you.

Don’t even ask me what a plaister is. Part of me just doesn’t even want to know.

I AM SORRY, THIS HERB DOES WHAT?!!?? :

ANEMONE

And when all is done, let physicians prate what they please, all the pills in the dispensary purge not the head like to hot things held in the mouth.

I don’t understand a single word of this. I think he may be insulting physicians again though.

BAY TREE

The berries mightily expel the wind, and provoke urine, help the mother, and kill the worms. The leaves also work the like effects.

I don’t even know what half of that is.

CALAMINT

Let not women be too busy with it, for it works very violently upon the feminine part.

I have no words.

CLARY

It is a usual course with many men, when they have got the running of the reins, run to the bush of clary, exclaiming – Maid, bring hither the frying pan, and fetch me some butter quickly. Then they will eat friend Clary just as hogs eat acorns, and this they think will cure their disease, forsooth! Whereas, when they have devoured as much Clary as will grow upon an acre of ground, their backs are as much better as though they had never touched it – nay, perhaps, very much worse.

I don’t really get what he is trying to tell us here, but I can tell you I haven’t ever told a maid to bring hither a frying pan. I mean I don’t have a maid so maybe you only do this if you have a maid?

PEACH TREE

If the kernels be bruised and boiled in vinegar, until they become thick, and applied to the head, it marvellously makes the hair to grow upon bald places or where it is too thin.

I don’t trust this man’s advice but if your balding and desperate why don’t you spread boiled peach soup over your head. Not only will you be bald, but you’ll also look like an idiot.

SAFFRON

The use of it ought to be moderate and reasonable; for when the dose is too large, it produces a heaviness of the head and sleepiness. Some have fallen into an immoderate convulsive laughter which ended in death.

No comment.

VERVAIN

Used with lard, it helps swellings and pain in the secret parts.

Please don’t spread vervain and lard on your “secret parts” folks. And for those of you who have seen Vampire Diaries, if you are a vampire definitely do not take this advice. It’d be a painful way to die.

WHAT WAS HE DOING TO FIND THIS OUT? :

BEETS

The juice of the Red Beet snuffed up the nose helps a stinking breath, if the cause lies in the nose, as many times it doth.

I mean there is just so much to unpack here. For one you’ll look like you have a nosebleed, you’ve seen how much beetroot juice stains right? And why was he doing this? Did his parents not teach him not to stick everything up his nose? Like dude?!

DAISY

The leaves bruised and applied to the testicles or any other part that is swollen and hot, doth dissolve it and temper the heat.

Really dude? Really? For all my readers with testicles I would suggest not to follow this man's advice. Who knows why he was sticking daisy leaves there in the first place? This man is interesting to say the least. How he knows this stuff I really don’t want to know.

ELDER

The juices of the leaves snuffed up the nostrils, purges the tunicles of the brain.

This man needs to stop “snuffing” juices of herbs. He will end up with a lot of issues.

MARJORAM

The powder snuffed up into the nose provokes sneezing and thereby purges the brain.

Do I even need to say anything at this point?

PRIMROSE

The juice of the roots snuffed up the nose, occasions with violent sneezing, and brings away a great deal of water, but without being productive of any bad effects.

Was he just picking random things in his garden to snuff? Like what was this man’s deal?

SNEEZEWORT

The powder of the herb snuffed up the nose, causes sneezing, and cleanses the head of tough slimy humours.

I think if you sniff anything random up your nose you’ll sneeze, mate.

So, all in all it is a strange book. Now as a disclaimer if you decide to partake in Nicholas’ advice and you suffer, please don’t sue me. I highly recommend you stay as far away from Nicholas and his dodgy advice. Also, a lot of people used to die back in those days. 90% of it may have been Nicholas’ fault. Just sayin’.

Have a day!

Proffessor Nutkins